cough cough

Jeg er ikke uartig. ikke altid. nogle gange er jeg sød og uskyldig også ..

I'm dying of sadness, when I read all this. it is devastating. killing me like burning all my organs inside. and it will end with my heart.

remember when you told me, that you hope karma get me for this?
well, she (Karma) did, actually right after you block me.
that was my punishment. nothing less could hurt me more...
I'm sad, lonely, have no one to talk to, or no one to understand me, laugh with me, nope no one, not even you. not anymore. maybe not for ever. I have a diamond strong feeling of it.
But I'm with just crying. and still can't understand all this.

I know I was hoping for you to hate me (and so you did, after looong time of hoping and asking you for it). I only want you to hate me, cause that prove that you actually can have strong feelings for someone that you don't know (including love). and also since you told me that you will never love me (but you have said that you love me before, in the start of our conversation)


I have so many things left to show you, tell you, but you will never allow me to..

I have lost it. your trust your heart. everything.

but because of my respeckt for you, I will not make a fake profile and write to you. even that is tempting every single day..

maybe you dont believe me, but I cant see a reason to lie in public how much i loved you, and when i am thinking of you i'm crying....



but at least I have been very mean, so i deserve the payback, but it was also very real and important prove of that you can love someone you never met.
(because if you can hate them so much as you hate me, it wouldnt be that hard to love me on the same emotional way, just the opposite)

remember hate and love are so strong feeling that they go hand in hand. like brother and sister. they cant live without each other, and when/ if they do, there is no love, and neither hate

cause as strong as you hate me, as easy it is to love. as long you can hate that much, I will never be forgotten.

unless you forgive me. I will pray to every God I have heart of, that you will never forgive me. not because I want you to hate me. but because I rather want you to hate me, then don't have any feeling for me at all..



remember, the only reason I was writing to her, was because I thought that she actually had a heart.
I couldnt have know that it will ruin your life.

I wasn't even thinking. only fast. all what I could do. to save you. cause I love you.
and every fast idea I get, I took.

save the people you love..
I know that you know what I mean..

but i prefer you have a ruined life and live that have a good life while you give up and dying. so I did this for the greater good, even it is hard for you to see now.

maybe some how, some day you will use your brilliant intelligens (137 IQ, right?) to see that I did this with a bigger plan.



i love you, and might love you for ever.
your biggest admirer.. Lil.

PS. I wrote to Adam again today. he still has' t answer on how you feel. As he act, he seemed sure that I am mentally ill in the head, I think it will look like you, to convince him about this, after our crushed friendship. (or what ever it was)

bullies

this is really sick..

I'm hoping that people that bully others, try to think,. And the victims are much more strong so they could resist the bullies..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYSTLsn7ZTE

When I start kissing, I cant stop again.
when I start loving, you most to move, change your name AND hate me, to be sure of get rid of me.
When I start having sex, I cant stop before I am dying of shortage food, and so..
(or if my fuck boddy can't have sex any more, cause eighter hes co*k is jelly or he is allmost dying of loosing power..

love.

When I am thinking of you, I start to cry so hard, that it feels like I'm gonna cry my eyes out,..

trying to flirt with others, to forget you..

but I cant "just" flirt.. I just compare them to you, and our conversations.. and it makes me feel so friggin' sad, cause they are NOT you at all, and they never will be. you are one of kind.
you are, and was unique.. <3

my favorite.
my one.

love, love, love..

Godt at se du lever. du fejre sikkert Eminems fødselsdag på bedste vis.
bare at kigge dine billeder igennem fra min mors profil, får mig til at græde.
somom jeg aldrig brød mig om dig. :(
kærlighed sutter røv, men du fik noget i mig som ingen andre. det mærkeligt, når jeg ikk har set dig.
men jeg kommer over dig. du bliver min sidste. godt for dig, skidt for mig.
bare had mig, jeg fortjener det.

<3 love...


***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Good to see you live. you probably celebrate Eminem's birthday in the best way.
just to look at your pictures from my mother's profile, makes me cry.
(You have not blocked her, yet)
as if like I never cared about you? you are so wrong. feeling lonely, as never before,
without your company. :( love sucks, but you got something in me like no other.
it is so strange when I don't ever had seen you in real life.
but at least I am coming over you. you will be my last love. Good for you, bad for me.
just hate me, I deserve it.

<3 love.. <3

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LLL......................

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my eks love. never forget. <3 and you know it. ♥

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxZG0w8YS7A

thats what you are.... <3

my feelings at the momet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RpRna0F4io&feature=related
+
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9MdW8RISCI
=
what im feeling right now..

the txt before "xxx"

My not normal day to day: (Yeah, i know i spell like hell, but i think the rest of the world scould know):

me
hey
fault you wasent on the internet in days?

Walton
? we were talking 15 hours ago
im sorry but u need to remember theres a time difference lilly

me
you wasent on the internet in 3 days, cause you were broke?

Walton
IN 3 DAYS MY INTERNET IS CUT OFF

Walton
its not cut off for only 3 days....sigh...

me
i know.
so how come you are online

Walton
IN 3 DAYS IT HAPPENS

me
oh. i fault it happen from to day, and was cut off in 3 days

Walton
not it happens for only 3 days....omg... k i was trying to say goodbye to u, but this is unbelievable.... how do u really think we could ever be together? we cant even talk.
goodbye lilly...ill soon be taking a lot of pills and vodka and i probably wont wake up. it was nice knowing you.

me
no
dont say goodbye
dont die.
ill call you.
and if you try to do something at least ill travel to canada, just to be there to your funeral..
ill write to your friend, adam'
dont worry

Walton
dont tell him im making audio goodbyes

me
i will. cause i care about you
and ill ignore your stupid shit
yesterday u promis me not to commid sueside

Walton
ya well i lost my mom, my apartment, and my support today so ill be homeless in 20 days

me
you can maybe live with a friend..
is your mom dead?

Walton
lily, stop
no she disowned me

me
i love you and i care
i wouldnt stop
hear me?

Walton
ok then. im not lying to u. i need to leave now.
im probably not doing it tonight, i realize i have a lot of things i need to take care of, but i have the ingredients now to do it painlessly.

me
who is Lisa

Walton
i made an audio goodbye for u too
?
ummmm a name? i dono lol
i dont really know any lisas anymore

me
Lisa Jo*********

Walton
oh a random. wtf kind of question is that?

me
where do she live?

Walton
i dont talk to her nor have i met her nor does she live in the same country. btw, fuck u for that. i cannot believe after what i told u you ask me that qusetion.
shutup lilly. ive never been so upset with u. i have no idea. america?
wtf is that business of yours and why the fuck would it matter at all? are u insane?

me
yeah, i am.
and crazy too
(i was thinking of writing with you, but i did'nt)

Walton
answer my question. what the fuck was the point of that question?
last chance lilly...

me
hm, to write to then
who is close to you.
literally
not like friends,.

Walton
wow i cant believe how much i dislike you right now.

me
and i have allready told them.
dont care if u hate me.
as long as you are safe, im happy

Walton
ok ill never speak to u and tell everyone youre a jealous psycho whos mad because i turned her down. hell, my friends think it already.

me
yeah. cause they all trust you.
and you have never talk about your life on a bad way..
(i was ironic about they trusted him, and they most much more trust me, cause he was talking about his shitty life everyday to all his friends on facebook)

Walton
make sense

me
so they have all the reasons to untrust me.
(ironic again)

Walton
your words no speaka the engrish.
no, they just all know yer a crazy stalker woman from denmark

me
ok. now i can leave you for a while.

Walton
just, stay the fuck out of my life. i was trying to talk to u and tell u how much u mean to me, now im just beyond angry.

me
yeah
anger is stronger than sorrow, so keep it that way
and you wouldnt do anything stupid
(like kill him self)

Walton
ok if u actually told people that dont really know me u are the most fucked person on the goddamn planet and i will destroy your life. and trust me, i can do it from here.

me
i didnt.
i only told people that knew you.
so they can rescue you, insted of me..

Walton
HOW THE FUCK DO U KNOW WHO DOES OR NOT?!
(cause i remember who he has talking about to me)

me
cause you cant help your self

Walton
U ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKED UP CUNT! FUCKIN DIE BITCH!
seriously depending on who u told, i will actually HAVE to kill myself. u just ruined the only life i may have hung on to...u are so stupid and horrible...

Walton
my god... how could u do that...u just not only destroyed everything i had left in life, but now ill just be burned in a morgue and end up in a pile of unclaimed ash... u have no idea what u have done...

me
if u just think that i would lay down, and dont give a crap about your dying, you was wrong..

Walton
well now i have no choice. im so beyond humiliated and now being talked about as a joke, ive lost everything. think u fucking idiot. THINK.

me
terribly wrong.. because you are not some random person. you know that..
you are not a joke. and im not like others that dosent give a fuck about you.

Walton
no? so why did my ex just message me laughing at me?

me
well, you didnt think like your self, when you was talking about suicide
she is laughing at me. me, cause I am insane..

Walton
who did u tell?
which people specifically did u tell?
GODDAMN IT TELL ME THAT MUCH!
u dont understand, if u told the wrong person...i will be remembered as a forgotten joke
if u told the right ones, then i understand

me
adam, jessica and kelsey

Walton
OMG!!!
omfg no...omg no...
dude no... omg...
kelsey isnt my friend... omg omg omg...
omg...
omfg.... u fuckin whore....omg....
omfg right now shes telling everyone who hates me....oh my god....what the fuck?!?!?!?
that is THE worst person possible man... u have no idea what u have done....
omg fuck....omg....u ruined my life and death....nomatter what happens illl never forgive u... u have no idea what u have done man....no FUCKING CLUE!!!!!!
i fuckin hate you more than ive ever hated anyone...karma will destroy u for this. and i hope it does it slowly you evil cunt.
YOU JUST KILLED ME! YOU DID! congratulations lilli, u are a murderer.
do u realize by telling kelsey u just told 50 people who i used to care about immensely who now hate me? including my childood best friend, jody, 2 exs, including eleanor?!?!?!? u cant do u that!! omg u cant do that...thats not your place....  omg...
by trying to "help" me all you did was humiliate me completely....omg....u are the most evil person... after everything, u do this?! u are FUCKING RETARDED! I TOLD U KELSEY WASNT MY FRIEND! OMG...OMFG...I HATE YOU!!!!!!
SAY FUCKING SOMETHING!!!
u fuckin psycho, u must just be sooo happy... u killed the person u love...u are sick...
seriously say something or ill spend every cent i have in savings on coming to denmark to destroy your life before i go. and when i say destroy, i mean your life will be a hell of a lot worse forever. beyond what u could imagine

me
in denmark people that are not friends help eachother. thats completely normal.. thought it was like that all over in the world..
i was wrong. to say "im sorry" is not enough..

Walton
no u fuckin killed me. that was it. u took the last of what i had...words cannot describe how i feel...
how could u man?
i even told u i wasnt doing it today... wtf is wrong with u...
why her man?! u fuck!!

me
I thought I did it for your own best

me
cause she knew you. no one hates someone that is talking about kill them self. normal people help. nomatter what.

Walton
youre the worst person ive ever met...id do anything to go back in time and never known u.

me
and people love to help

Walton
OMG STFU

me
then, dont ask me to say something.. if you 5 minutes after thinks I should keep my mouth shut.

Walton
i hate u....i hate you with everything inside me....
i hate u more than ive ever hated anyone ever... like, EVER
well youre the 1st woman ever i want to actually hurt....u did that to purposely to hurt me, no one is that fuckin retarded and that much of a cunt.
u are going to burn in a very very very special place in hell for this. godamn u

me
I'm just glad you did not commit suicide. Hate me all you want ..
Your hatred is not important to me. the only important thing is that you don't commit suicide. and now you will either never want to commit suicide, or never dare to commit it .. that is what I have it super fantastic with. no matter of the consequences for you, me or if there ever was an "us"

Walton
you just took EVERYTHING I HAD LEFT FROM ME! WTF ELSE AM I GONNA DO?!

me
live. start over? don't know. you wasn't born to die..
maybe it is not as bad as you fear. perhaps Kelsey will not tell anyone of your friends and those you know and ever care about..

Walton
die
u have no idea.
u dont do things like that. u dont know who kelsey is, u dont know our relationship. u dont know fucking anything cause u are as stupid as a person could be without brain damage
hate isnt even a strong enough word.
u miserable sad fat ugly bitch, how the fuck could u?
just leave me the fuck alone... im going to forget u ever existed because u are truely that pathetic and disgusting of a person... u are worth no ones time. im glad u dont have your child, someone raised by u would end up really fucked up.

(and then he blocked me on facebook. the end.)
(by the way: all that stands in brackets is something I did not write but thought)

xxx

a thing I never reached to say to X Walton:

i know, i know. hate is not a strong enough word. hatred is now strong underrated word of your feelings to me. sigh, but at least it's  something. this is what I always wanted. hatred. from you to me. and I'm seriously happy of what you feeling for me. I am know the feeling of being hated like that, that is what I live for, this is what I know of. <3 thanks

a denish thing..

endnu en lille ting: kun på dansk, folk der kan engslisk, vil ikke kun forstå det..
da jeg sad i toget rev jeg en lille kort om at bestille kristligt dagblad, og gav den til min kæreste.
da han holdte den, sagde jeg "noooo du rører ved gift, ud og vaske hænder" nogen af dem der sad bag ved os hørte det og fniste..

i dag var det simpelthen slut/ the end of today..

"den klogeste mand jeg nogensinde kommer til at kende"
er døende, alkoholiker, på stoffer og har lige svinet mig til. vi er som sort og hvid, og han er lige så tiltrækkende, som han er frastødende. og så elsker jeg ham. det er et problem,. for jeg har faktisk også en kæreste, som jeg elsker. han vil aldrig se mig mere, men måske vil jeg en dag lægge alt ud vi har talt om. uden eller med hans tilladelse, det må tiden vise.
jeg savner livet i min fantasi. hvor alt er pink og der ingen problemer findes.
sådan kommer mit liv aldrig til at være. og jeg forguder de mennesker hvor livet er sådan for dem, med små problemer som diarré, i tide og utide, uren hud og en hund der pisser på deres fucking dyre gulvtæpper. mens de ellers har alt. luxus hus, hund, en mand de elsker, og som elsker dem, børn, tjenere, stuepiger og butlere. 5 biler i garagen, og en flok ægte venner. sådan et liv er langt fra min forstand. men hvor ville jeg gerne bytte for det liv med mit eget. bare 1 time, vil være nok. bare for at smage på perfekt og skride igen, som om jeg aldrig har været der. vil aldrig glemme det. ren lykke og små problemer, der svarer til myre, sammenlignet med mine problemer i mit eget liv.

den kloge mand vil aldrig nogensinde være gift for mig, selvom han er det for andre, men jeg vil derimod altid tilgive ham, fordi det fortjener han. og elske ham, for det fortjener han også. også når han er et svin bør han elskes. ligesom hvis det ens eget barn, dem tilgiver man også uanset hvor meget lort de har lavet (eller det bør man, hvis man er et rigtigt menneske). ægte kærlighed er ubegrænseligt.

og sådan har jeg det faktisk med alle jeg elsker. de kalder det alle sammen en besættelse. jeg kalder det ægte stærk kærlighed. ubegrænselig. fordi jeg elsker dem.

gud hvor vil jeg gerne fortælle alt, uden frygt for konsekvenser for det jeg fortæller. men der er konsekvenser ved alt, så livet skal censureres for at folk kan holde ud at læse det, uden at blive stødt eller krænkende. det er desværre umuligt at fortælle uden de bliver stødt, så jeg må tage hensyn til alle. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGijLHpNibk&list=LLfJGBufWObW9B_sdJOa81YQ&feature=mh_lolz

**********************************************



"the smartest man I ever get to know"
is dying, alcoholic, on drugs and just insulted me. we are like black and white, and he is just as attractive as he is repulsive. and I love him. it is a problem. for I have indeed a boyfriend that I love. that man will never want to see me, cause he and I dont understand each other, that well..
But maybe one day I will publish talked about. without or with his consent, lets see about that.
I miss life in my imagination. where everything is pink and there are no problems there.
Such life, is mine never going to be. and I adore the people where life is so for those with small problems like diarrhea all the time, acne and a dog pissing on their fucking expensive carpets. while they would have everything: luxury house dog, a man they love and loves them back, children, servants, maids and butlers. 5 cars in the garage, and a bunch of true friends. Such a life is far from my mind. but I would like to exchange for the life of my own. just 1 hour will be enough. just to taste perfect and act again, like I've never been there. 'll never forget it. pure happiness and small problems that corresponds to a ant (that small), is compared to my problems in my own life.


the wise man will never, ever be toxic to me, even though he is for others (as he say himself), but I will however always forgive him because that is what he deserves. I will allways love him, because he deserves that too. even when he is a pig or douchebag he should be loved. as if he is one's own child, you forgive them also matter how much shit they've made (or it should be in that way, if you are a real good and normal person). true love is without a limit wonder. (i dont know if I translate it correctly?)

and that is the way, I actually do with everyone I love. they call it all an obsession. I call it real strong love. un limit. because I love them that much.

God how I want to tell you guys everything, without fear of consequences for what I said. but there are consequences for everything, so life should be regulated so that people can bear to read it without being offended or offensive. unfortunately it is impossible to tell without being offended, so I must take into account all. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGijLHpNibk&list=LLfJGBufWObW9B_sdJOa81YQ&feature=mh_lolz

thinking too much..

livet er lort, især når man har sit lort.. fuck, man,...


Jeg er virkelig ked af at jeg ikke kunne holde mit løfte, men mine følelser betyder også noget, og du har skubbet dem rundt og forvirret mig, og selv den stærkeste kærlighed har en grænse, før den siger "stop" ..

jeg kan ikke gøre for at jeg elsker så mange mennesker. det bare en del af hvem jeg er.. jeg ville da ønske at lige så mange mennesker elskede mig, men jeg forlanger det ikke. jeg elsker mig selv på gode dage, og hader mig selv på dårlige... jeg kan ikke gøre for at langt de fleste dage er dårlige..



jeg er ikke over dramatisk .. Jeg er mig selv .. lev med det, eller lad mig for fucking fanden være ..

<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>

life is shit, when you have your shit, fuck man.. 

I'm truly sorry that I could not hold my promised, but my feelings also means something, and you have pushed them around and confused me and even the strongest love has a limit before it says "stop" ..

I can not help that I love so many people. it's just part of who I am .. I would wish that as many people as I love, loved me, but I don't demand it. I love myself on good days, and hate myself on bad ... I can not do anything about that most days are bad to me..

Im not being over dramatic.. i'm being my self.. live with that, or leave me the fuck alone..

prøver at finde tid og overskud til alt. kan dog ikke engang overholde mine egne løfter. trænger til en pause..
skriver en dag med mere overskud. <3

>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>>

trying to find time and energy for everything. can not even keep my own promises. need a break ..
writes one day with more energy. <3